Letters Unsent is an idea conceived by Santulan and we at Write Tribe are writing some letters to the selected few in our lives.
I have always had a fascination for the written word and I believe we express better if we write. The pre Internet phase has seen me write lengthy letters -as long as 12 to 18 pages- to my loved ones. I have still stored some of the prized letters people have handwritten to me in so many years. I value them more than the e-mails that I get now. Well, that’s another story.
As a part of the ‘Letters Unsent’ series, here, I write a letter to a friend who failed me at a time I needed her the most. Of course! I was unsure as to what must I write in the letter. However, once I started I kept penning my feelings as they are. Here is an unedited version of how I feel for her now. Apologies for displaying any bitterness (but I am bitter!).
It’s been a while I have even thought about you. Let alone write to you in this way. I remember the last time I wrote to you; it was a painful experience for me. I had mentioned how bad I felt that you were hurt by something I had simply mentioned in passing, as a joke. I genuinely feel that it was not my fault and yet I sought forgiveness. I was hurt, so much, when I did not get any. In retrospect, I feel it was for the good that we never got back to each other.
I remember the time when you left the city for 2 years how I missed you. All the times that I called you during those 2 years, I could sense there was something wrong since you never called me yourself, never tried to stay connected. And then the time when you did it was to ask me to bail out SP from a situation that was beyond our control. I was speaking to SP after a gap of over 3 years and I did not know where to start. I guess, it was my fault that I agreed to even go and meet her. Anyway, it was only when she decided she does not want anything to do with me, that I understood what was actually causing the rift between us both.
Nevertheless, I tried my best to stay cordial with you and make sure I extend as much help as I can during the time when you were expecting a baby. I can never get it out of my mind that when I got back from the hospital with a baby in my arms I had to open the lock to my home myself and carry my daughter inside to an empty house-no celebrations, no welcomes, no smiles. I knew you guys were around in the town; still you made no effort to make the day special for me. I was hurt. So, when you brought little S home, I initiated to decorate his room, get a cake for you and gathered all the close friends to welcome the tiny baby. I understood that the moment is one of the best when the baby is brought ‘home’. I knew you’d be happy…and you were. That truly made me happy!
All the times when I took you out for your doctor’s appointments and tend to baby S when he needed I never knew what was brewing in your mind. The times when we would sit and chat for hours, I never knew it was just for past times. Now I understand that you never really felt the same for me as I felt for you. I considered you a very close friend and extended as much help as I could when you needed it. It was really, truly painful to learn that you withdrew at the exact time when I needed you (or anyone) the most. I remember crying for hours at a stretch, not because I had lost you but because I felt betrayed, cheated.
It’s been two years since I banned you from my life and I can’t begin to thank you enough for letting me go. I guess, with you I was a slave of my own insecurities and you freed me. I invested a lot of my energies to establish a mutual relationship of trust, respect and love. I guess, you never really deserved it. I understand that you have your own insecurities and you felt threatened to submit your energies towards me. I understand.
Therefore, today, through this letter I release all the negativity I ever had (or not, really) for leaving my hand at the time when I needed it the most. Through this letter I forgive myself for being affectionate towards you, for encouraging myself to reach out each time you needed, for bringing myself to tears every time (and its been a lot!) you hurt me.
I release you, forever.
I forgive you, too!
Image courtesy : Google