The Walls Around My Heart

It’s been a few days since I have been meaning to write. I remember some of my blog pals pointing out that I possibly write too often. Well, for the last few days I have been missing writing. More than that I have been scouting for words, thoughts, emotions, muse. And here this prompt simply makes absolute sense to me, today.
Why have I not been able to write for the last few days? Well, I have been in a rather pensive mood for the last couple of days. Reminding myself, purposefully, that I am in a nice place-emotionally. Somehow, the last few days have shaken me a bit. You see, I met with a minor accident last week, which left me rather hampered. I was absolutely scared, not for my life, but with the thought that I possiblyam not good at everything! No, that’s not a revelation today, but it just struck me like a bolt from nowhere right now. 
I like to believe that I have screwed up quite a few times in my life and that I possibly have made choices, which were not the best for me. But eventually, those are mine. I got myself into places I did not even know if there was a way out. Struggles, strives and passions- all left me confused and broken. Of course, I feel better now and possibly I am a bit sane than I was but why do I keep revisiting?
Why does it seem like there is not going to be a place where I can rejoice, throw my arms in air and shout out loud claiming that I defeated the biggest monster of my life? Yes, I have come a long way. Made a path for me that seems pretty tread able right now. What if it’s just a path that leads nowhere? I get scared sometimes. I do.
But then I keep constantly reminding myself One’s life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by choice.’ So here I am making choice for myself to be content. Not with what all I have, but with what I could be in the last few years. I managed to break free from that one constant bite where I felt I am no good. At least that curse is over and I am able to look up at the sunshine without hurting my eyes.
It’s definitely a long haul at this time. Maybe I will get there too. But right now, this all seems like a place where all I often do is look around for a sign. I wait. I cheat. I borrow. I seek. Why can’t I ever snatch?

But often times I think, I just can’t. I can’t let myself step down from where I am right now. If I do, would it not mean turning back in time? Sometimes I feel why do I have to do things to please someone, if that necessarily does not fit in my scheme of things? Don’t get me wrong. I don’t please people often. But still there are a few I like to do stuff for. And sometimes, along the way I hold myself back.

Sometimes I want to scream and shout and break free. To be able to tell them all to back off and let me be.
So many times, I feel its great to be meand just let myself be the kind of person that I want to be. Obviously no one stops me. So what really does hold me back? Maybe it’s just me!

This is written in response to Suzy Que’s post ‘Free Write‘ on Write Tribe.
Image source: Google


31 thoughts on “The Walls Around My Heart

  1. Following creative urge is like doing meditation and to meditate, no one's approval is needed at all…I agree with you that the fear in our subconscious mind is the greatest monster that pulls us back…I loved reading your honest account…:)

  2. Thanks Shelly! These are simply scribbles in my mind.Understandably, we don't really need anyone's consent but don't we all wait for it nevertheless. Acceptability is a huge factor for us to carry on…isn't it

  3. I agree with Shelly that no one's approval is needed. In your reply to her you talked about acceptability being a factor to carry on. While I think that we all desire approval, at least on some level, I am finding myself more and more not thinking about it all that much. I think that when we meet our own approval, that the people who should be in our lives will follow. You've been very busy here at your blog! It's looking wonderful. ❤

  4. Hi Kajal,this post allowed me to have a peek into your inner self. I agree that we must always do what our inner self directs us to do. At least there will be no one to blame, if something goes wrong. One thing is sure, our own heart always shows the right path.

  5. Sorry to hear about your accident, Kajal. Will call you later this evening to find out how you are doing.Life has a way of giving us the answers if we seek them with an open mind – I can see you doing that in this post and in many of my interactions with you. I don't want to sound condescending, but believe me, everything makes sense in the end. Keep believing in yourself.

  6. Kajal, you just need to relax, take a deep breath and take an objective stock of the situation, that's all. After all, there are no problems in life which have no solutions at all, it's just that we have to put in the time, effort and energy to figure out the solutions for ourselves, that's all.Am sure you will bounce back from this, after all as the saying goes "This too shall pass"

  7. This post is too personal, too close to your heart to entertain comments from others 🙂 All I can say is that I met you once, and I found you to be very sweet. So, whatever choices you have made, whatever you are going to make, they are all going to work out great.

  8. You mention an accident and I hope you are recovering fine. I absolutely love that little heart the sunshine and the branches(?) conspired to make for you. The introspective flavour of the posts makes the reader think within too. And what do you have? Similar questions churning up in all our minds. Nice post, Kajal. 🙂

  9. Hey, hope you are feeling better. And I agree with your trail of thoughts..kind of relate to it. We may not need approval but still seek it. It does make you feel better atleast from the people who are important to us.Take care.

  10. I hope you are okay Kajal. Sometimes we just can't snatch because we are not meant to and sometimes we fail to snatch because we try too hard. My belief is that whatever we are meant to have quite literally drops into our laps or is presented on a platter. We unfortunately either refuse to see or don't believe it. Go with the flow!

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