But often times I think, I just can’t. I can’t let myself step down from where I am right now. If I do, would it not mean turning back in time? Sometimes I feel why do I have to do things to please someone, if that necessarily does not fit in my scheme of things? Don’t get me wrong. I don’t please people often. But still there are a few I like to do stuff for. And sometimes, along the way I hold myself back.
It’s been a few days since I have been meaning to write. I remember some of my blog pals pointing out that I possibly write too often. Well, for the last few days I have been missing writing. More than that I have been scouting for words, thoughts, emotions, muse. And here this prompt simply makes absolute sense to me, today.
Why have I not been able to write for the last few days? Well, I have been in a rather pensive mood for the last couple of days. Reminding myself, purposefully, that I am in a nice place-emotionally. Somehow, the last few days have shaken me a bit. You see, I met with a minor accident last week, which left me rather hampered. I was absolutely scared, not for my life, but with the thought that I possiblyam not good at everything! No, that’s not a revelation today, but it just struck me like a bolt from nowhere right now.
I like to believe that I have screwed up quite a few times in my life and that I possibly have made choices, which were not the best for me. But eventually, those are mine. I got myself into places I did not even know if there was a way out. Struggles, strives and passions- all left me confused and broken. Of course, I feel better now and possibly I am a bit sane than I was but why do I keep revisiting?
Why does it seem like there is not going to be a place where I can rejoice, throw my arms in air and shout out loud claiming that I defeated the biggest monster of my life? Yes, I have come a long way. Made a path for me that seems pretty tread able right now. What if it’s just a path that leads nowhere? I get scared sometimes. I do.
But then I keep constantly reminding myself ‘One’s life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by choice.’ So here I am making choice for myself to be content. Not with what all I have, but with what I could be in the last few years. I managed to break free from that one constant bite where I felt I am no good. At least that curse is over and I am able to look up at the sunshine without hurting my eyes.
It’s definitely a long haul at this time. Maybe I will get there too. But right now, this all seems like a place where all I often do is look around for a sign. I wait. I cheat. I borrow. I seek. Why can’t I ever snatch?
Sometimes I want to scream and shout and break free. To be able to tell them all to back off and let me be.
So many times, I feel its great to be meand just let myself be the kind of person that I want to be. Obviously no one stops me. So what really does hold me back? Maybe it’s just me!
This is written in response to Suzy Que’s post ‘Free Write‘ on Write Tribe.
Image source: Google