It was that time of the year when the rains had been gracious enough to make everything around look bright and beautiful. The grey skies gave way to happy chirping birds around. They seem to be oblivious to the fact that it would be autumn in no time and soon the leaves would render the trees bald. How they would have to migrate elsewhere for the winters…..
Looking up at the sky, I feel something tug at my heart. At least the birds have a plan for the winters. I am still unsure of what my next step in life would be. Last year this time, I was content with the way my life seemed. She had been close…so close and I knew I could fathom my life with her. She had been my guiding light for almost 4 years now and life without her seems meaningless. I saw a ‘happily ever after’ in her eyes that drew me to her the instant I looked at them.
It seemed like I was so much in control of my life before her and as much as she provided strength to each of my cause in life, I found myself completely dependent on her. I never imagined that after her, I would be left, well, listless. I am alive indeed but without her there is just no reason.
I remember the day when I went down on one knee and she let our a shriek. She was so full of life! As much as my heart was pounding, it just suddenly mellowed at her confident ‘Yes‘. I knew as much as I chose her, she chose me. Me! Soul mates? Indeed. The day she entered my house, she made it a home. Her palm imprints still lay fresh on the wall at the entrance. Tiny hands. Huge heart. In no time, my house turned into a home. My heart would leap at the thought of being back home after a long hard day’s work. Back home. Back to sanity. Back in her arms. Back to bliss.
As I stand here looking at myself in the mirror all I can see is the way that I have failed her. I was not there to protect her, help her, save her. I promised. I promised. Even the tears are no substitute to the way I feel now. How transient this life is. The blade that I hold in my shaking hand now, seems like the only last string I can depend on. Why does my hand tremble? Why do I falter…now?
Another look in the mirror and I can see her smiling face bidding goodbye for the last time. She was smiling…was she? Those sparkling eyes…how will I ever let go? What is it about those big beautiful eyes that make everything seem better? And then she says ‘life is beautiful’ What now? Why would she say that ever. Its not beautiful anymore now that she’s not here. To make things right, to smile at me and hold my hand, to wave her hair over my face and say ‘come back to life‘, to hold me close and let me cry.
The dreams that we had weaved together seem like such a joke now. How will they ever come true? Now that she is not here, would I ever be able to call myself ‘a whole’? Oh look! Another glint in her eye smiling at me….and she says ‘Don’t let go!’ Was she always right when she said, ‘gloomy is the way in everyone’s path, dust off and move along’. Doesn’t seem too easy right now. Would she not like me to move along now? She would be happy to see me happy right? She would be glad I am not a quitter, isn’t that what she always believed? How can I fail her now?
Love is not just a person. Love is a feeling and feelings never die. My love for her, my love for myself, my love for life, altogether. She may not be here today, but she was and that’s a feeling I can never let go. She would not want me to fail at life. She would not want me to be a quitter. And so I live on, to do exactly what she wanted ‘Don’t let go!’
Image courtesy : Google
USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.
This post is written as a part of the Suicide Prevention campaign at USC Social Work
Also linking this to Write Tribe where we are making noise to raise awareness about suicide prevention.
Disclaimer : This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to a person living or dead is purely coincidental